What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:47
My mum and dad in the seventies!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My life is so biszare .
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
How do I rat my boss out for serial cheating on his wife?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What timeless pieces do you believe every wardrobe should possess?
All the time i was locked up.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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And i lived it daily.
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What was Easter day like for you as a child?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was 9 years of age.
Why has my ex moved on so fast after years of being together with me?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But, we were locked up after school.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So, i spoilt her more .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She loved him until the end.
I waited trembling.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were not on the streets..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is soul school!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Who then, do I blame.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We all went to grammer schools
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She married twice! .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Comes on , in middle age.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When she asked me how she looked .
He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it wasn’t much.
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im still living with it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was seconnd youngest,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I have no regrets .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.